Home (Part 2-End)

    From then on, we outwardly love each other. He was mine and I was his. We graduated high school and I became the valedictorian. We discussed our future a lot. Me choosing between a lawyer or a journalist. He was deciding between football and science. We went on dates and ticked off the bucket list that we made together before we went to university. It was a mutual agreement that we do not talk about university. He was adamant that we should choose the same university to avoid being too far from each other. I, on the other hand, had a different idea.  I told him life has more to offer, we should not be in each other way to explore what it has to offer. We should not restrict each other. We fought over it, him claiming that I did not love him enough to stay with him. That got me so angry that I decided to ignore him for a whole week. In the end of it, I managed to get him to understand that I wanted him to have more. Explore all of our options, putting ourselves first and not limiting ourselves in the name of love. Being in love should not constrict one’s freedom. Distance should not be a challenge because I truly believed that our love for each other was strong enough to get us through everything. Besides, as Emmie said, it will always be me and him. That was what I believed. A fantasy.

I was 23 and in my third year when my fantasy crumbled. It had been 17 years since I knew Emmet and 5 years since we dated. He got to Dartmouth pursuing medicine, looking to become a surgeon and I was in Stanford having chosen to become a journalist. We were 3906 miles apart. We had our worries of course. However, we had plans to make it work and it worked. We spend our semester break and Christmas together at home. We made sure to communicate often, and we had trust in each other. It was working and we were happy. It worked until it did not. The communication starts to crumble first. Phone calls, video calls, and text messages became less, and at some point, it felt like an obligation rather than I genuinely wanted to do it because it was Emmie. Tired and busy were the excuses that we often use. Then, because of the lack of communication, we started to miss the holidays. I did not come home last semester break because I chose to go to Cambodia for a project. We fought over it, of course. I remember shouting over the phone “You know what Emmie if this is what my life going to be, stuck by your side. Then, I don’t want it.” I genuinely thought things were over after that. However, Emmie makes it work. He always does.

It was Christmas again, I was 25 and had just gotten an offer in New York and Emmie was in med school. It was quiet in front of the fireplace, wine in our hands instead of hot chocolate. It was just Emmie and I like it always every Christmas night. However, we were not comfortable in our silence anymore. The silence was suffocating me, I felt like tears were going to burst out and I was going to explode just because of the sheer emotions that I was feeling. “Emmet…” God, I hated the way I sounded. My voice was thick with emotions.

“I can see it in your eyes, Ellie.” He knows. He always knows.

“Remember when we said that if we changed if our feelings changed, we would let each other go?” the reflection of the fireplace in my wine was the distraction that I need to avoid looking at the man that I used to call home. Swallowing down a sob from coming out, I sip at my wine. “I think this is it, Emmie.” This sentence sounds like impending doom. The finality that we have been ignoring for a while. I would not say that we stop loving each other. It was more to the fact that we outgrew the love that we knew. It was quiet for a while and I was scared of what Emmet would say because he was always the one trying to patch us up. Always trying to ease the stinging from the hidden wounds and the gaping hole that was created over time. However, I can see that the patchwork of bandages that he laid on, and I laid on has torn, ripped and disintegrated into a fantasy that was never meant to be. I knew he saw it too.

“Thank you, Ellie.” I can feel the warmth of his body as he engulfed me in a hug. The relief in his voice was strong. He knew that we had changed. The love that we had was not the love that we needed or wanted anymore and it’s okay. This hug feels like a goodbye. “You will always have me, Ellie.” and he will always have a piece of me.

Some people were destined to be in your life to give you something; happiness or lessons and he gave me both. He was meant to be my first love, not to stay in my life, but to remind me of how hard my heart can love a soul. It was not meant to last. A taste of what I thought was home. This end was different, this end was distant, and this end was liberating. This end teaches me that houses can’t be home.

                                                                    -END-