Home (Part 1)

Home. Often people think home is where you sleep, eat, and rest. For me, home is where I can be free. It is where I feel safe, and protected. A place where I can say what’s in my mind freely, where I am not afraid to be me. Home is a haven and I found my home in a person. A found my home in a boy name Emmet.  

The first time that I met Emmet was when we were 6. I just moved to the neighbourhood after losing my mother to cancer. My father thought that it would be good for us two to have a change. I do not agree with him, of course. Moving away would mean that we would be leaving a place with memories that we have had with mother. It would mean leaving mother. Alas, I was a reserved child so I did not protest when my father told me that we would be moving from a place full of mother to the golden state of California. I was under the oak tree between our houses, pouring my frustrations towards the grass by picking them harshly. I remember how I despised everything there. It was too sunny, too hot, and too far from mother.

“Hello, I’m Emmet. I can be your friend!”. Emmet was the one that approached me being the bubbly boy he is. The first thing that I noticed about the boy was his eyes. The light of the sun reflected in his brown eyes making the most curious shade of brown. I then looked down again and continued to pull at the grass. The greetings went on deaf ears as I decided to pretend he was not there.  Emmet however decided to sit next to me despite him knowing that I was outright ignoring his existence. We sat in silence, watching his parents and my father talking on his patio from afar. Deciding to shoo him away, the first thing that I have ever said to Emmet was, “Go away.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to be alone.”

“Why?” he asked again. I was annoyed of course. I thought he must be one of the dumb boys who were picking on me because they thought it was funny. I focus on the grass again, thinking that if I ignore him long enough, he will eventually get bored and leave me alone. He did leave me alone, just after when his mother called him for dinner. Just before he left, he said something that halted my grass-damaging activity.

“No one should be alone, you know.”

Emmet would come to sit by me every day. Under the tree, at school and when we would be having dinner at his house. I complained about it to my father. He just laughed and said that it was curious that I always complained but I did not do anything about it. It was true. I still sit under the tree every day, I let him sit next to me in class and when we were having lunch. Day by day, I start to wait for his presence. Peaceful silence turns into short conversations that lead to us being inseparable. It was then he became Emmie.

It was the tenth summer of my life when Emmie and I got married under the oak tree. I was holding a wild flower, my hair messy from the wind while he stood in front of me smiling from ear to ear. He slid a green rock candy ring onto my finger and kissed me on the cheek. I remember how warm my face was when he kissed me. How the sun shone on both of our faces and it made his brown eyes look golden. That was the first time we pledged an oath to each other. “Do you know what this means Ellie? It means that we will be together, forever. And no one can tear us away.” I was his Ellie and he was my Emmie.

Along the way, we grow up. My round baby face changed to a more sculpted one as my cheeks became defined rather than full and round. My usually thin body now has some curves and definitions. Emmet was now a head taller than me. It annoyed me because I got teased about my height and how he would use his height as an advantage to win something from me. It was competitive between us two, a silent competition to win against one another. I think that was how we always managed to get good grades. Going to high school scared me a little as I thought we would drift away. Emmet laughed at my thoughts saying that it was an impossible thing. After all, it has been a little over a decade since I found my Emmie.

I have always known jealousy. I was jealous of my friends that have both of their parents. I was jealous of how people can speak their minds freely as I can only do that with Emmet. I was jealous of many things but never of Emmet. However, when Emmet asked another girl for his date at the prom, I froze a little. My lunch tasted a little bland and the cafeteria felt a little too crowded. I found it hard to crack a smile and the word congratulations was difficult to articulate. I watched as people celebrated his successful prom-posal and how big was his smile. For the first time since I knew Emmet, I felt like a bystander. I was always his date. It has always been just us two. It did bring me some happiness nevertheless, seeing how happy he was at that time. From then on, almost all the time that I spent with Emmet, would be filled with stories and rants about his girlfriend. And while I was smiling and laughing, I have never felt more jealous of a girl. “I am so happy, Ellie.”

In our twelfth year of knowing each other, we had our first fight. Just like what I was scared of, we did drift away. Especially after Emmet was no longer single and we were both seniors in high school then. We were both busy people. While I have to divide my time between my studies, debate training and being the school journalist, Emmet has to divide between study, football, and Lily. Safe to say, we lost the time we used to have for each other. We still sit under the oak tree of course but oftentimes, it was only me. Thus, we talked less. Only changing smiles from the windows of our room and short conversations if we ever found time to do so. Christmas dinner was our family tradition. My father and I would go to Emmet’s house and have dinner together. As we sit in front of the fireplace with a mug of hot chocolate in our hands, it was silence. Just the sound of firewood crackling, and Christmas music that has been left on by his mother before the parents go out for a Christmas drink. 

“How are you, Ellie?” It was always Emmet that started the conversations. I was always grateful for it.

“I’m good, Emmie.” I can see his smile behind his mug upon hearing the nickname. Just like that we easily jumped into the conversations. Catching up on what we had missed. It was always easy with Emmet. I forgot how we went from catching up to a full-out screaming fight.

“Do you know anything about me these days?” putting down the half-full mug, I let out a scoff at his question.

“How can I know anything about you if you were never there? Who do I ask? The tree?!” a bitter smile etched on my face as I saw he rolled his eyes at my sarcasm.

“Is that it? Is that the reason why you always try to avoid me? I’m sorry I have a life, Ellie! I’m sorry that my life does not revolve around you! Unlike you, I have actual friends. I don’t spend my time reading and writing and being alone. Unlike you, I have a life!” his words hurt as he was right.

“Do you want to know why I avoided you? Because every time, every freaking time we were together, all you do is talk about you. Oh, Ellie, I lost a game. Ellie, you would not believe what Lily said to me. Ellie, I fought with Lily today. Ellie, Lily broke up with me today so can I hear about your story another day?  What about me? Not once did you ask about me? Me! So, tell me, Emmet, why would I waste my time with someone that does not care?!” It was quiet after that. I turned away, showing my back to him. I refused to see him mocking me. However, the next words that came out of his mouth were gentle.

“I will always care about you, Ellie.”

         “Really? You had a funny way of showing it.” Inhaling, I turned to face him again. “I get it. I do. I am not like you. You are this perfect human with a perfect smile and a perfect family and then I came along. But since you are so perfectly kind you had to take me with you, right?! Out of the kindness of your heart, you took this nuisance of a girl with you and now you realise that I am a piece of baggage that’s slowing you down. A weight that’s pulling you down. And I am sorry that it took me-”

“Ellie, stop!” there were tears on my cheeks now. “Stop, okay? You’re not a nuisance, you’re not a piece of baggage, you’re Ellie. You’re my Ellie.” He closed the distance between us, his hands now holding my tear-stricken face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been acting like a selfish douche.” As I opened my eyes, green met the familiar brown. His eyes were red, maybe from the shouting.

“I’m sorry for shouting,” I mumbled out. It was then that I caught his eyes drifting to my lips. “Emmie…” I was cut off once again when I felt his lips on mine. It was light, his lips brushing against mine while his hand cups my cheeks. The kiss was gentle, soft, and meek and I was melting under his touch. As he brought his second hand to my waist and pulled me closer, mine was tangled in his brunette hair. It was a while before I let him go, resting our foreheads on each other. The parting was reluctant as both of us were huffing, catching some air that we were deprived of. The kiss did not make me see fireworks. Sure, my heart was beating out of my chest but I also felt serene. This kiss shifted our reality and I was not worried or scared. It comforts me as my questions are finally answered. This kiss was an assurance. This kiss was our new beginning.

“It’s you, Ellie. It’s always been you.” He whispers gently. His cheeks were tinged red, and his hair a little out of place. Another look into my favourite shade of brown as the fire reflected in them, his eyes remind me of many things. They reminded me of the constant warmth that I felt whenever I was with him. The sun that shone on us on the day we were married under the oak tree. The millions of stars that they could never see in the sky from the heart of this golden city. All of it reminds me of home. His eyes were home.